For years I have viewed exercise solely as a means to be skinny, and any time it failed to yield this result I would quit.  In addition, my past history of illness and random medical problems created a lifelong fear of exercising, or I should say several fears of increased heart rate, palpitations, and sweating.  Then there were the added fears of exercising outdoors; what if I get hit by car, break my leg (that happened anyway and I wasn’t even exercising – what a waste!!!),  or faint, and there is no one around to help.  While these fears may seem irrational they were so real to me.  To make matters more difficult, there were social anxiety issues too; not looking good enough while exercising, not exercising hard enough or the “right way”, and gasp sweating in public!  What’s a girl to do?

No doubt that all of the above contributed to my overweight, fearful and sick existence.  When I was going through cancer treatment I gained an additional 35 lbs. on top of this already unhealthy frame.  As I would read about the impact of weight and lack of exercise on cancer recurrence, I came to a subconscious decision:  which fear would win out?  A fear of exercise or a fear of cancer recurrence.  As I have said, and will continue to say over and over in this blog, it is a journey.  Slowly, as I changed my eating lifestyle, I began to change my activity levels and I still have a long way to go.

Frequently, I find myself getting frustrated with exercising.  It is hard for all of us, but the emotional road blocks that are in my way can feel massive, but I just have to remember to just keep swimming, just keep swimming (side note:  I don’t actually swim; I am afraid of water.  Surprised?  😉

Part of my frustration with exercising is the result I expect.  Am I the only one that works out for 30 minutes on the elliptical and jumps on the scale to see if I lost those two pounds?

I have to remember two things:  Patience (that’s a hard one) and the real goal.  I want to be HEALTHY.  No cancer, no heart problems, and to enjoy being active.  It’s not just about weight loss.  I have to admit, I was in a FitBit challenge this week and with the amount of effort I put in I expected the scale to tell me I hit supermodel status this morning.  Not quite yet, but what the scale cannot tell me is that I will enjoy our outdoor activities tonight even more.  I won’t be exhausted from walking from the parking lot to the stadium, or having to stop as I walk up the steps.  I will think a tiny but less about cancer as I did one more thing each day this week to try to fend off recurrence.  That’s a lot of rewards for five days of exercise.

What are your goals this week?