Typically, when I post something about breast cancer, (especially related to my journey) one or more of my kind and loving friends will comment and say something like “You are so brave” or “You are an inspiration”.  While I long to embrace these words (and believe them), if I’m being honest, I got to a place of “I didn’t have a choice” or “I’m not inspiring I just have to try to stay alive” and “I’m not brave. I AM Scared”.  The only time I feel like I even get close to bravery is when I have a moment of fearlessness and let people know my very true and deep feelings – today may be one of those days.

This past week has been one of the harder ones of the past three years post treatment.  You see, most people expect that when you are done “fighting like a girl” with your special pink weapons or finished with treatment, that you are indeed finished with doctors, hospitals, and well, fear.  This actually could not be further from the truth, but I totally understand why people think this way – hardly anyone talks about life in remission, most people just talk about life.

The past several days have been a mix of trying to do my job with excellence, attending multiple doctor’s appointments, lab work, repeating an ultrasound of the breast that wasn’t trying to kill me to check for new cancer, having a chest X-Ray on my lungs, and scanning my liver for signs of metastasis.  One would think that after fours years of this that you get used to it – You do not.  Or at least I do not.  Living in remission is a gift that I cannot describe with enough words of gratitude, but also comes with a lot of “what if” reminders.  Thankfully, I am still cancer free.

Maybe my friends are on to something, I used to think they used words like “brave” because they didn’t know what else to say when I posted a facebook memory of being bald or when I would check in at the cancer center, but now I am wondering if they have known something all along that I didn’t.  While I feel weak, anxious and like I am living on borrowed time, they see a person that loves her life, family and job, who chooses to get out of bed in the morning and not succumb to the fear of how fragile life is by hiding underneath that big fluffy king size comforter all day.  Today I hope that we can all recognize that brave is simply taking the next step, pushing forward, setting goals, and LIVING.  Thank you friends for teaching me this valuable lesson; as always we never know how a simple comment or message can change someone’s life, mind or outlook and you all have inspired me!